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IELTS WRITING CONTEST - WEEK 17

Discussion in 'IELTS WRITING CONTEST - IWC' started by Hoàng ZIM, Nov 13, 2016.

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  1. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 5.5

    TR: 6.0

    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    The ideas given are suitable for the topic, however, your fluency needs to be worked on more

    CC: 5.0

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    The prevalence of technological advances has seemingly turned used-to-be essentials obsolete, one of which is radio

    Thanks to technological advancement, a whole cumbersome equipment - the radio - is now installed in a small and portable device - the mobile phone, which is undoubtedly beneficial to social life

    It is of the utmost importance in the operation of any military, as it provides means of communication and guarantees the security of information, which is also true in politics as well

    LR: 5.0

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 6.0

    Few grammatical mistakes can be found in the essay

    Some sentences are dark in meaning
     

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  2. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 5.5

    TR: 6.0

    The structure of your essay is well-constructed

    Overall, you have good ideas, but you don’t seem to illustrate them clear enough in your essay

    CC: 5.0

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    The development of technology in recent decades has completely changed the way human connect to the world.

    As the ubiquity of radio wave and the light weight of its hardware, radio is still widely used in some rural area where the internet hasn't covered

    Secondly, in the connected world, when the separation between work and relaxation is being blurred, listening radio is a good way to help you unwind and avoid the stress from your life.

    Beside the outdoor activities or reading books, listening radio is also a good way with many interesting radio programs

    LR: 5.5

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 5.5

    There are some grammatical mistakes still found in the essay

    Some sentences are confusing and dark in meaning
     

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  3. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 5.0

    TR: 6.0

    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    The ideas given are suitable for the topic, however, your fluency needs to be worked on more

    CC: 5.0

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    Radio, at present, no longer meets up our expectation, whereas other great innovations have the ability to provide us with an easy access to a huge amount of information.
    For example, radio while used outdoors produces less noise than brought into the house. => be more specific

    At present, information is becoming more desired than ever, which turns radio into obsolete medium.

    Radio are unable to offer different sources of information while Internet connected devices, gives users opportunities to approach a wide variety, therefore, users find going online an effective way to get information they need => specify the aspect

    Moreover, new techonological generation is more interactive because information appears in different forms including sounds and images and those forms can be stored or downloaded.
    LR: 5.0

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 5.5

    There are some grammatical mistakes in the essay

    Some spelling errors can still be found

    Some sentences are confusing and dark in meaning
     

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  4. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    OVERALL: 5.5

    TR: 6.0

    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    The ideas given are suitable for the topic, however, your fluency needs to be worked on more

    CC: 5.0

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    Technology enhances steadily for years

    In my opinion, the role of radios is becoming more irrelevant during current technology revolution owing to its competitiveness against other modern devices in utilities.

    With their multi-function feature, which radios have not been designated with yet, radio application in those devices causes unnecessary of actual radios

    Consumers usually prefer possess devices with outstanding outlook despites of its price.

    Radios are less consumed and becoming irrelevant nowadays because of development in technology.

    LR: 5.0

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 5.5

    Few grammatical mistakes are found in the essay

    You still have problem with a/an/the

    Some sentences are dark in meaning
     

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  5. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 6.0

    TR: 6.0

    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    Overall, you have good ideas, but they aren’t well-developed with your supporting sentences

    CC: 6.0

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    This is due to the fact that radio users are able to prevent themselves from being exposed to electromagnetic waves and intense lights which are produced by high-tech machines such as smartphones or tablets => “avoid” is a better word

    By using radio, people have the favourable conditions to approach the hottest piece of information and stay healthy simultaneously.

    Only by the usage of radio can people live at such areas get access to breaking news, since they do not have the chance to be exposed to modern devices namely smartphones, tablets or computers

    LR: 6.0

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 6.0

    Few grammatical mistakes are found in the essay
     

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  6. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 5.0

    TR: 6.0

    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    Overall, you have good ideas, but you don’t seem to illustrate them clear enough in your essay

    CC: 5.0

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    Technology is a great innovative creation of human being but as a rapidly growth of modern ware development, there is an opinion that radio is not fit anymore when comparing with computers and tablets

    No one denies the huge function of electronics such as radio, the enjoyable-lovely-oldman's toy.

    They were strolling and listening to radio and even they were doing exercise and listening to radio too.

    But that's good old days of 2000s.

    No doubt that it could be so ridiculous when someone brings a radio on sidewalk and takes a hike as if they were so in love with an antique

    LR: 5.0

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 5.0

    Quite a few grammatical mistakes are found in the essay

    You still have problem with a/an/the

    Some sentences are dark in meaning
     

    Share This Page

  7. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 5.5

    TR: 6.0
    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    Overall, you have good ideas, but you don’t seem to illustrate them clear enough in your essay

    CC: 5.5

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    In the era of advanced technology, there comes a great demand for massive exposure to latest inventions namely smartphones, computers, etc.

    However, with the aid of technological development, there has been an increasing number of convenient means which we are likely to keep them handy and let them move from one place to another.

    Also, it perhaps satisfies your taste of latest music, both hearing and seeing.

    In a nutsell, radios have been fell into oblivion, and the technological tools plays an indispensable part in our lives instead because of the above-mentioned reasons

    LR: 5.0

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 5.5

    There are some grammatical mistakes in the essay

    Some spelling errors can still be found
     

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  8. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 5.5

    TR: 6.0

    The structure of your essay is well-constructed

    Overall, you have good ideas, but you don’t seem to illustrate them clear enough in your essay

    CC: 5.0

    There are many misused words and phrases:

    In recent years, the booming development of technologies has resulted the increase of role of modern devices such as smartphones

    The first reason I choose to my point of view is the number of individuals using radio.

    On the other hand, radio could be exist due to its merit in tradition like book

    They can share that asset with their proud and happiness, as a friend or special partner through their lives

    Some sentences can be redundant:

    The reason I use is the number of individuals using radio and the importance of it as a merit

    LR: 5.5

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 5.5

    Few grammatical mistakes are found in the essay

    You still have problem with a/an/the

    Some sentences are dark in meaning

    Some spelling errors can still be found
     

    Share This Page

  9. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 6.0

    TR: 6.0

    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    The ideas given are suitable for the topic, however, your fluency needs to be worked on more

    CC: 6.0

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    The design of the mass medium is cumbersome, making it heavy and inconvenient to carry along the way

    These machines ergonomically designed with an aim of meeting people’s demands in terms of communication, entertainment, working, etc

    Therefore, radios find itself difficult to secure a place in today’s world

    LR: 5.5

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 6.0

    Quite a few grammatical mistakes are found in the essay

    You still have problem with a/an/the

    Some sentences are dark in meaning
     

    Share This Page

  10. Hoàng ZIM

    Hoàng ZIM Master Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2016
    Messages:
    593
    Likes Received:
    322
    Overall: 5.5

    TR: 6.0

    The structure to your essay is well-constructed

    Overall, you have good ideas, but you don’t seem to illustrate them clear enough in your essay

    CC: 5.5

    There are some misused words and phrases:

    Firstly, computers with the Internet connection can support people easily a world of knowledge.

    For example, in some rural area in Vietnam, it is rather for the residents to make ends meet, let alone to spend money on buying modern technology devices

    Consequently, they have a tendency to use old radios that are contributed from many charity organizations.

    LR: 5.5

    You have an okay range of vocabulary relating to the topic

    Some unusual words which are wrongly used in this essay

    You need more specific examples to make your essay more convincing

    You need to use more collocation relating to the topic

    GRA: 5.5

    Quite a few grammatical mistakes are found in the essay

    You still have problem with a/an/the

    Some sentences are dark in meaning
     

    Share This Page

  11. phananhphu

    phananhphu Master

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2016
    Messages:
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    0
    Phan Anh Phú - 0982558961
    Thanks Ad :)
    Nếu có thể Ad có thể chỉ ra một số từ em dùng sai trong bài lần để em rút kinh nghiệm cho bài viết sau được không ạ :)
     

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  12. JohnSlayer

    JohnSlayer Master

    Joined:
    May 16, 2016
    Messages:
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    0
    Từ Tấn Phát - 01212 054 003
    Cảm ơn Ad rất nhiều ạ. Em sẽ cố gắng rút kinh nghiệm.
     

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  13. td7122004

    td7122004 Master

    Joined:
    May 22, 2016
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    9
    bài của 2 ông trùng giải trên 340 chữ mà k bị trừ điểm hả ad
     

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  14. rachem

    rachem Master

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2016
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    1
    Mình nghĩ là bài đã trừ rồi đấy tại trong phần task response vẫn bảo over-length mà, không thì điểm TR có thể sẽ cao hơn
     

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